Making a king size bed...alone

I have a king size bed. This in itself is not a bad thing, I love my bed so darn much, it’s the single most comfy thing on the planet, ever. The trouble comes when I have to change said monster. So far I have managed to avoid doing this horrible thing on my own, mostly because there is always someone about to give me a hand, be it my mother, my stepfather or my boyfriend. I have now reminded myself why this is a job that I never do alone.

Today, I changed the duvet cover on my own. This is largely due to the fact that yesterday my cat puked on it, it smelled like cat food, that’s nasty. I took the duvet cover off yesterday but there was nobody in the house to help me put a new one on, and I’m lazy, so I spent the night duvetless. I am infinitely glad for the number of blankets we have in this house, there are so many I managed to nest in them and stay comfy and warm. Today came around, there is still nobody in the house to help me put on a new duvet cover, I don’t want to spend another night without my duvet.

The process of changing a duvet cover is normally an easy one, because the thing is not a lot bigger than you. My duvet is twice the size of a single. With two people, it’s easy, how hard could it be with one? My first issue was getting the cover inside out, so that I could peel it onto the duvet from the corners like a backwards banana; I had forgotten however that the two corners of the duvet are a VERY long way apart. Once I had finally wrestled my way up to the corners I realised that the duvet itself was still in a screwed up lump on the floor, not laid out on the bed like it should have been...crap. So, I take my arms out of the duvet cover, pick up the duvet from the floor and put it on the bed, then go through all the trouble of getting my arms back into those awful corners. I am already sick of this job.

Here comes my next mistake, I am sitting on the duvet and the duvet cover, in the middle of my bed. I don’t know why I didn’t realise this, but somehow I simply didn’t notice and tried to stand up while holding onto the corners of the duvet now inside the cover. As you can more than likely imagine, I sat down again...rather abruptly. A quick reposition and I am stood up, hurrah! Now we shake the duvet. Then drop the duvet...we are not happy at this point. I decide to wriggle the rest of the duvet cover down while the duvet is lying on the bed; that actually worked fairly well. So I FINALLY get to the point where I think I can button it up, it’s an exciting moment. Why did I think that part would be easy? The buttons seem to be too large for the button holes so the buttons won’t do up and I finally get them to a point where they’re done up and there is button spare somehow. WHY DUVET...WHY?? It’s not my day. By now, as you may be able to imagine, I hate both the bed for being so big, and the huge pain the arse that is my duvet. Un-button, then re button. Next step.

I get to the point of shaking the duvet, it’s an important step right? WRONG! I shake the duvet, lay it flat, look at the top and die a little bit inside. The top corners of the duvet are no longer in the corners of the duvet cover. This means that I have to climb inside the cover and put the corners back where they belong...great, just great. At this point I should mention that my duvet is white, my duvet cover is also white, being inside that is like being inside a marshmallow only the marshmallow is evil and mocking you. 10 minutes later the corners are somewhere close to where they should be and I’ve given up. It will do. This task has completely defeated me. The only thing left to do is button up once more, splat onto the bed and hope that I never EVER have to do that alone again.